Leanne & Lindsay - My personal superheroes.

I love my best friends. They are pretty much amazing! : )

Becky - Thank you for always being there, and for putting up with me no matter how rude I am. And thanks again for being there for me today. I luffs you! <3

Lindsay - I know you do not feel that I am your best friend while I feel you are mine, and that has caused a few fights, all on my part. You are one of the most sensitive people I know, and you have helped me greatly with my moods. And your hair is splendiferous! : D I luffs you too! <3

I know this is random, but I really do love you both a ton. I don't think you will ever realize how much. : )

The need for companionship is overwhelming.

Well I have another headache, but this time I don't know whether it really is from crying, or from dehydration. Also I'm really warm, which is unusual for me; normally I am cold and prefer being cold. I wonder if I am becoming sick?

On the note of crying, my great-grandma's funeral was today. I had thought I was done with crying; I cried tons Thursday and a bit Friday, but nothing since then. Of course as soon as the pastor started praying, I started bawling and didn't stop for pretty much the entire service. My mom was prepared of course, and had Kleenex with her. It was hard, but I never could have made it if Leanne wasn't there. So right now I want to say this: Leanne, you are amazing! Thank you so much for being there for me. Words cannot express how much that meant to me : D You are definitely in need of a present! Anyway, I didn't got to the burial because I honestly has no interest. I'm glad I did, because it was very relaxing being home by myself. (My mom stayed at Jake's up in Portland afterwards.)

I attempted to work on my to-do list today, but only got one thing halfway done. I just don't have the desire to do anything.

Yesterday I babysat my future step sister. I was only supposed to watch her from 9 until about 1, but family members who were coming to the funeral got lost so my dad went to help them and I watched Cassie until 5:30 instead. I love her to death, but as the day dragged on she was getting so aggravating. I was glad to be done! I'm watching her again tomorrow, but only for a few hours as my dad is only going to Salem this time and not Portland. I'm also possibly watching her on Friday as well. If anyone is interested in helping watch a 5 year old, let me know! I run out of things to keep her busy. : )

I'm really hungry today, but there is nothing healthy in the house except for things I'd have to cook on the stove and it's too hot in the house for me to cook anything yet. I guess I'll have to wait a bit. : /

I'm looking up counseling stuff for me, and have only found online stuff and a really expensive boarding house so far. I am in need of ideas, so if you have any let me know.

Well I suppose that is all for today. I have decided to try and include a random French word that is one my mind at the end of each post, so here's the first one!

ciel - heaven

I am not sure if my grandma really is in heaven. She said she was a Christian, but as far as I know she only believed in good works. It's really hard not knowing.

I just want the hurt to go away.

"Put a gun against [her] head, pull the trigger, now she's dead."

The title is just a quote of how I feel right now, not anything I plan to do. Just so you all know.

My great-grandma died last night. I'm not sure how I feel. I think I cried most of it on Thursday, and the rest on Friday so I haven't really cried about it today. I have cried, but that's because I'm sick of fighting, I had a headache, and I'm tired of having to choose between my wishes and disappointing everyone close to me. Why can't I just do what I want? The world will not end.

I would love to just scream at people sometimes. There is a person who is close to me, but sometimes I don't want anything to do with her. She always gets upset and tells me how I should do this and live that way. I'm not saying she's wrong, I'm just sick of getting told what to do. I'd rather she just shot me in the head. Really.

I do not want to go to my grandparents' tonight. Seeing relatives cry over Grandma does not interest me one bit.

That is all for today. Sorry for no French, I have no desire.

VBS, Day 3.

Well today was a much better day. : ) I was slightly annoyed at first because my first ride didn't get back to me, but I had a back-up ready so all was well. Then my annoyance turned into physical depression, which was rather annoying when you're surrounded by tons of cute kids. Afterwards it only got worse, to the point where I just wanted to cry. Luckily Leanne was able to take me home so we chatted for a bit before I got home. It just seemed it get worse and worse, but then I talked to Lindsay on Facebook for awhile, which helped a ton, so I'm all good now. : ) And hopefully Leanne and I can talk tonight.

Tomorrow is kinda sad because I have a Chemeketa thing during VBS, so I can't really help. Bummer. : (

I've been using more French lately, and I love it. : ) Yay for the French people! Yay pour les gens francais!

Au revoir loves!

Alone.

I think this is one of the first times I have written more than one serious blog in one day. : (

I feel so lost... I feel like I'm being cut off from my friends, like I'm not one of them anymore. My one best friend didn't talk to me today on Yahoo, despite my different attempts to talk to her, and my other one is not letting me know if she is coming over, and I really need to talk to her. I guess I'll just sit by myself tonight.

Being ripped at the seams.

I am so sick of being mad!!!

I really do hate it, despite what people think. I'm so hurt in so many ways, and I feel pushed out of my circle, and my one best friend was shaky this week anyway and I didn't know where we stood, and then my other one has basically blown me off since the second I saw her last night... I just can't decide whether to cry or go punch her. I'm hurt, mad, lost, bored, and I feel like this summer has not pulled us together as we'd hoped, but just driven a wedge deeper between us. I don't want her to leave if we aren't okay... I'm gonna miss her so much! I would probably die if Lindsay wasn't around when she leaves.

I'm hoping my bestie will call me and say she's coming to visit for a bit today. I really need to talk to her about so much going on.. I barely scratched the surface today. : ( I miss her so much!

Peux je mourir encore? : (

I suppose that is all for now.

Well today was going well.... And then it pretty much sucked. Or as they say in France, jour terrible. That literally means "terrible day", which is what my day turned out as.

It started out okay, church was fun and all, (I got ice cream! Yummy!) but then second service my dad came which was okay, but he kinda upset me with more than one comment, and then Nicki left me. (No offense Nicki.) All in all though, church went well. I even got a chance to go home before lunch and change and update Facebook first. Lunch was yummy too, (I LOVE mozzarella sticks!) and I got to go back and play World of Warcraft for the first time in like, 3 months. Then we grabbed blizzards to go see our grandparents, which was good, but that's when disaster struck. I was already missing Leanne terribly, and trying not to cry, when I got an e-mail from another friend answering my question if she even considered me a best friend, let alone a best best friend. Sadly, she said no and confirmed my fears on who was. Even though I honestly knew deep down what she would say, I was still devastated. (Wow I seem to do that every time I ask you something, huh? Maybe I should just stop asking you things and just know I'm right.) I want to make it perfectly clear, as she will read this eventually, I am not mad at you. I love you to death, that will never change. Yes, I am hurt, as I have known you so many years, but I cannot blame you for that. You're too amazing for me to hold a grudge against you. I love you a ton, Bear; I hope you know that. : ) Wow, now I'm rambling. LOL Guess it's time to stop now. Thanks for taking time to read about my lousy day. Hope yours was an awesome one! : )

Shopping day!

I am really starting to miss Leanne. : ( Like not terribly; enough to make me miserable, but still enough that I have to focus on other things. I can't wait until she's home; I have so much to tell her!

Today should be a good day! I get to go into Salem with my mom, so maybe I will see if I can go to Aero and use my gift card. And going into Salem means we either get Auntie Anne's or Jack in the Box for lunch. : ) Yummy! I can't wait.

Au revoir, loves! Talk to you all laters. : )

Webcam fun!

Well today was an adventurous day. : ) I got Yahoo messenger up and running, and then played around with the webcam and voice chat with a couple of my friends. Them we got Skype to work, so we had a four-way convo going between me, Melinda, Cameron and Tyler! It was so much fun! I was bummed when they left. : ( I like talking to my friends.

Drive-in, surprises and a little bit of French mixed in.

Last night was the second drive-in party of the year! It was odd feeling, due to the fact that Rachel and Leanne are in D.C., and Nicki was unable to come. Therefore it was Tyler, Cameron, Lindsay Bear, Lauren, Jin-Hoon and myself. We did have quite a bit more room than usual, but it almost felt... wrong somehow, like we were betraying them. It was nice to have Lindsay come, since this was her second ever and it seems like I never spend as much time with her as I do Leanne. I suppose that's due to the fact Lindsay doesn't consider me her best friend? I dunno. It was a really cute movie though. : ) I loved the cupid busts and the Einstien bobble-heads! "That's that way, uh-huh uh-huh, we like it!" : D Sorry, it was just too cute! If you haven't seen, definitely do. Great movie for kids as well. : ) On the plus side, I got permission from my mother to do something really exciting! The girls get back late Monday night, and i mentioned something about wanting to go up with Leanne's dad to pick her up, and Cameron and Tyler said they were going and offered to have me come. I doubted my mom would let me, but I asked anyway and.... SHE SAID YES!!! I'm so excited!!! I miss her tons, and I know that even though she'll be tired, she'll be surprised and happy to see us. AHHH!!!! I wish it was Monday now!!! LOL I really do have TONS to tell her. : ) I can't wait!

One final question for you all: Do you like pink tips in my hair? (See photo.) Once I get the money, should I do it permanent? Keep in mind my church is pretty conservative, and I'm not sure how'd they feel. I really liked it though. : ) 

Au revoir, loves! Thanks for reading. : )

Boring thoughts?

Since I have started to update my blog more, I was hoping more of my friends would read and comment it. Unfortunately it's been just the opposite. Lauren is the only one who has been commenting. (Not that I don't appreciate your comments dear, I do!) I just wish more of my friends would care enough to read my thoughts. I know Rachel is in D.C., but Leanne never reads unless i ask her to, and Nicki doesn't at all. (Or if she does she doesn't comment.) I just wish my thoughts were important/cool/crazy enough to be read more often. So now I have a request: all who read this blog and have friends who read blogs, (like Lauren and Jin-Hoon) would you please tell them about my blog? Even if I'm not good friends with them, I would just like a few more readers. Thanks loves! : )

Last night at the mission's trip meeting, we played a game where when we complimented someone, they gave us a pinto bean. Now normally, people would say I was over protective, clingy, and maybe even obsessive to Leanne, but last night Victoria made the sweetest comment! She said she loved the way I was so protective of her! I know she was being sincere, which is why it was so sweet! I love Victoria's sweet comments like that. : )

Frenchified Blog.

I ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY LOVE my new layout!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It fits me perfectly. : )))))))

Friends, guys, parents, mood disorders and summer.

Since I haven't updated in awhile, this will most likely be a long one.

My best friend left today. : ( For Washington D.C and New York. It's only a week, and I know she needs to go have fun, but I miss her already. I keep thinking that something big will happen between my parents and I won't have her to talk to. Plus Father's Day is coming up and I'm worried about that as well. I just everything to run smoothly for once. I know that I need to get used to her being gone, because once September comes I can't just wait a week to see her. If I'm lucky, we really will get to do our once a month trips to Seattle, but in reality I will only get to see her on breaks and that breaks my heart. I love her to death! I've already had one best friend move to Ohio and then come back and never speak to me, I won't let it happen again. I would die without her.

I have quite a dilemma in the guy department. There is this guy I like, who is ever so sweet and I believe likes me too, and I have asked some of my friends and his friends they're opinions. They all seem to agree he likes me as well, but he never says a word about it! I am beginning to pick up on my friends' old-fashioned beliefs that the guy needs to ask the girl out, so I say nothing. It tortures me inside! I would love to just run to him and scream "I love you!", but I know that would most likely jeopardize our friendship. I am not a patient person.

My parents are ruining my life. Literally. They are almost divorced, (unless they are and haven't told me) but they still insist on yelling over the phone about stupid issues, usually who owes who money. I would love to slap some sense into their heads! I often need people to talk to a bout thus, but half of the time I can't even call Leanne, and Lindsay is increasingly busier and busier. I've tried praying, but I feel like a hypocrite because honestly I blame God for ruining my life, when deep down I know He isn't. What to do? Sit back and let it all play out I guess.

On the topic of my parents, I have become increasingly more depressed/bi-polar (not sure which) lately. I think I am starting to seriously scare Leanne, which hurts me deeply. I have considered going to mom about it, and getting it checked out, but my worry is she will brush it off like the other times I tried to tell them. I really think being put on meds would help wonders, and I would probably start sleeping better as well. What do you think? I appreciate all advice on this matter.

You know what my two favorite parts of summer are? Drive-in parties, and reading! For drive-in parties we have so much fun, and for reading I'm constantly checking out books from both the Dallas Public Library and the church library. I'm hoping these two things will help me to focus less on my problems, and more on just having fun. : )

Thanks for reading about my ranting, and I look forward to your comments!

I did graduate, right?

For having graduated, I'm sure spending a lot of time at school this week! I've been there every day so far. It's nice being graduated, but I do miss all my underclassmen buddies. It's sad that I'll only see some of them at church. Oh well I guess. Not much I can do. *sigh*